your thong is hanging out like whoa
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
