see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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