In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
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