never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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