Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
