just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
