Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize
