Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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