Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
