you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
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