When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
