I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize
