that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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