you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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