you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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