Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
