they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
