I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
