We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
