Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Randomize
