My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
