Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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