i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
