My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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