I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Floor bacon is actually really good
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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