it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
4 words: hood of his car
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
