Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Randomize
