I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I think i got beer on your cat.
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