shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Randomize
