I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
