I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
