omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
