I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
