Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
