Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
The power of my boobs compel you
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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