I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
