I wish I could teleport
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
