textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
