We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
