I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
