every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
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