My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
