I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
no you cant smoke seaweed
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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