The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
thus making me awesome and them whores
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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