she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
