At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
