Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
