That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
