I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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