i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
